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Subject:Apparently i started this in the beginning of January and never posted it
Time:10:18 am




2005

2009
[P E O P L E]
1. Best friend?
elanna and lovley ladies and all the USYers at the beginning of the year. i still love all of them plus now the trio is my life.

my girls from school, my girls from camp, current roomies and laiahface.

2. Best boyfriend/girlfriend?
hah. relationships.
hah. relationships

3. Lost any friends?
grown apart from some
one, of significance. but hoping that that is not a permanent change. circumstances make our friendship hard right now, but i can't belive that 2009 marks the end of our relationship

4. Gained any friends?
most def.
all the silver spring kids are just fabulous, i enjoyed meeting the israel crew,

5. Met a new good friend? dina, miriam, became friends with j-dawg, haha right brock?
gotten closer to many people

[P L A C E S]
1. Went out of the country?
nope
spain, and israel. lucky.

2. Moved?
into my dorm at UMD
into my apartment in silver spring

3. New school?
marylannnnnd
does arrowhead elementary or takoma park elementary count?

4. How many times on an airplane?
oh alot (all from MD to NY or viceversa hehe) accepted students weekend, thanksgiving, funeral, home for winter break
this year...hmm, i think that would be 3 trips: Spain and Israel. OH, and Milwaukee with gemmies!

5. Road trips? none, really
countless trips back and forth from maryland to NY

[Y O U]
1. Have you changed?
yes
i think so

2. New look:
not really. i like to pretend i look a little more put together and less awkward everyyear.
subtle. trying to get more professional and less shlumpy. loving the new tucking shirts into higher waisted skirts thing. mostly same style id say

3. Any new additions?
facebook!!! and being a lyrics slash quote whore
i dont think this question was asking about facebook. OH maybe i read that as addictions. i was a doofus. but no new additions in 2009. what does that mean?

4. Biggest conflict this year?
i hate conflict. idk. oh i called elannas pot ugly that ended pretty bad
its so much easier to remember the more recent things...so the relationship conversation of 09 will certainly live in infamy.

5. Most depressed time this year?
hmmm prob erlier in the year, idk?
comes in waves but never lasts long, went though some days of student-teaching related doubt in october

[L O V E]
1. Did you fall in love?
nope
nope

2. Did you get heartbroken?
nope
nope

3. Who was your summer love?
nope again
israel fling. jgreg.

[S E A S O N S]
1. Favorite Season?
fall
fall

2. Least favorite season?
hmmm idk
weatherwise, probaly summer. but i cant really dislike it, because it means camp.

3. Good birthday?
yes! it was amzing. random drunk boys + all my CP friends coiming together and getting along so well.
same could apply, but expanded. i loved dinner with friends, piratez tavern ridiculousness with anna, boyf, chana, and yosef, birthday dinner and oneg fun with jason, avtial, mir, and the crew (shortsting the lights!), and going out in DC. besides the kiss that never happened.
- crawling under the summit hills gate
- hanging in martys room
- getting a  28 year old to buy me a drink?
- not talking about my cholestorl

4. Any snow this year?
im sure there was
so much! HUGE storm in maryland, yet we still went to shul and hosted a summit hills party / poker night. loved digging out cars, playing in the snow, watching people dig out, moving a TV (ok that part sucked) etc.

5. Highest temperature? HOT. which made my campers whine. ugh


[F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S]
Snuck out-
nope
nah

Met a person who will change ur life
maybe
guess we'll find out

Kept your resolution-
i didn't have one, or if i did i dont remember it
see above

Got arrested-
nope
nope

Had a first something-
oh gosh, so many firsts this year
few first somethings...nothing signifigant

Smoked weed/drugs
well no.
well

Did anything illegal
sup, alcohol?
nothing major

Kissed a boy/girl
yes.
yup

Had a crush
yes
well yeah...and numerous fake crushes

Liked someone-
yes
like LIKE liked someone? nah


Lost a family member-
miss you grandma
B'H, no


Got bad grades
overall nope
not at all

Got suspended-
nope
no

Moved states-
not really, but i hang out alot in MD now haha
pretty much living in maryland at this point (besides residency thing)

Got a myspace-
i had mine in 04
things i def dont use anymore: myspace

Learned an instrument-
nope.
nope


Started a band
no.
aa rock band?

Spent over 1 million dollars
- haha no
good one

Went streaking-
haha dont think so
hmmm nope

Done something you shouldn't have-
yes.
well duh

Kept a secret-
yep.
oh yes

Told a secret-
probably
maybe

Done something you totally regret
- not really.
nah, no major regrets here. or regerts.

Changed your view on things
maybe?
probably

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
alot. hookah, alcohol, other things ;) and other not so naughty things
2010: lived outside of college park, kept kosh

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't think i had one.
ditto

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my cousins had a beautiful baby girl, darian laina♥:
cousins had caitlyn and now dari has a sister. JoJo was adpoted and HK are having another. and friends had nieces and nephews.

4. Did anyone close to you die? my grandma lee.
no. thank god

5. What countries did you visit?
none.
spain and Israel

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
mayhaps ill finally learn to do the relationship thing.
^hah...good one. still epicly failing at that...would be nice for 2010...if i can stop rejecting every boy i meet.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
october 22. it was my birthday weekend. and oh so much fun.
im not a big date etcher...idk...bday was fab again this year. and the matzah ball on the 25th was pretty epic

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
surving my first semester adn coming out on top
sucessful summer as rosh and first semester of grad school

9. What was your biggest failure?
being petty at times, being a bum
losing a friend over a situation i couldnt really control.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? sar and i developed mental mono haha but thats about it
i got fliuish in march...and had suspected meningitis...well, only really suspected by me

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my laptop <333 and my tacky target bra
new laptop! and my ikea desk. loves it.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
all my girls and ro and dina for keeping taps on my when im being ridiculous
chana and elizabeth for making this apartment wonderful to live in. the girls in NY for going it on their own

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
certain boys, and certain girls
thats an extreme statement...no one in particular.

14. Where did most of your money go?
college apparel & DP doughs haha
food for shabs meals.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
school in general i think.
mini-reunions

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
sugar, well be going down swinigng.
anything by taylor swift

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? happier. happier? 
II. thinner or fatter? perhaps the same same
III. richer or poorer? richer.poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
talking to my family
not sure 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being emoyantisocial


20. How will you be spending Christmas?
the girls came over and we baked, colored and then watched a man get nailed to a cross.
I went with robin and meliss to the matzah ball. where we were generally absurd, got on the promotional video, found silly boys, played with mike and mitch, won a rubber duckie, then went back to sleep at jusin(/avis) and gossip with them. woke up in the morning and ordered pizaa.

21. How did you spend New Years? 04-05 was spent at ilyses with my girls 05-06 was spent ilyses with many of the same girls =). both years were amazing.
new years 08-09....i dont remember...
new years 09-10,...heros marathon in my basement with robs.


22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
well no
ugh no

23. How many one-night stands?
heh.
not those kinds...i dont have real one-night stands...

24. What was your favourite TV program? nothing comares to friennnnnds hehe
heros kind of died. now law and order for sure.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no
no no

26. What was the best book you read?
oooh i like these thurday next books. and i loved the books brock reccomended. and harry potter. oh i just like books.
mmm rereading myla goldberg recently, and love all of the jess darling books, liked what is the what, cried thru the book theif, loved look me in the eyes when youre talking to me

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
fall out boy, panic! at the disco. SHOTEI HANEVUA, ben kweller, so so so much.
teehee...eric hutchinson. and XM radio in general.

28. What did you want and get?
an ipod but i broke it

29. What was your favorite CD of this year? hmm idk
i dont have many DCs-again im going with e.hutchinson

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
askjsd thats a hard one.
MILK was incredible, valentines day was fun, a single man made me think all night

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
my friends came over on my birthday eve and drunk boys playedd non existant twister. then i did a community service project i had to do and then went to noodles with all my friends and then we went bowling and then played in byrd and then went back to my room and had a DP and then watched wet hot american summer and yeah lots of super things.
see above: piratez and oneg and dinner and sign of the whale with so many fun people

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
perhaps finding love or somenonse like that
blech to above...but potentially true.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
im a mess and cant dress myself. and i love sweatpants and beaters even tho the latter is prob see thru.
i have so many teacher clothes. everything i buy is esentially for teaching or for shabs.

34. What kept you sane?
my friends
my friends. and having my own space. and zumba in the fall

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hahaha shoteiiii.
i went thru a big paul rudd phase.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
maybe things going on in Israel. but i tend to be very apathetic
urm

37. Who do you miss?
everyone on NATIV esp. elanna. and people from home
robs and mir, elanna and dalf, my fams, and my cousins

38. Who was the best new person that you met? miriam and dina are pretty fab. oh and my roomie sarah is the flyest chicha youll ever meet. and so many others...too many to name
love love love the SSJC. 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
try to not get caught in petty stuff, drink lots of water before bed!
don't compare myself to others and how they work. 

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"were gonna stay 18 forever...and we'll never miss a party"
"ha degel sheli..."


JANUARY
1. Did you make a New Year's resolution?
haha i dont remember
nah

2. If so, what was it and did you go through with it?
probably not
nah

3. Does it snow where you live?
yup
dont remember Jan o9 but Jan 10 was snowpocolypseque

4. Do you like hot chocolate?
yum
yes. with or without extras to warm me up even more

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
nope. but its on my to do list
nope. ill do it one day. when i have someone i can stand to spend that many consecutive hours with

FEBRUARY
1. Who was your valentine this year?
no valentine :(
in 2009...i dont recall (in 2010 i kind of rejected FKB)

2. What did you get your valentine?
...

3. What did your valentine get you?
...

4. When you were little, did you buy Valentines for your whole class?
yup
oh yes. personalized cards. "dear matt i like your red hair"

MARCH
1. Are you Irish?
no

2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
if i remember too, yeah
yeah, i try

3. What did you do for St. Patty's day?
i went to school.
went to the city! saw the parade! went to an tish pub! had guiness! made friends with firemen! it was super fun

APRIL
1. Do you like the rain?
if it's warm out of course
oh yes

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
haha i dont think so. maybe w/ mister schlith we did
OMG in 2008 i told the gemmies i was quitting and dalf i wasnt going back to camp. wasnt 2009 but was epiccc

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
i dont celebrate easter

MAY
1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
oh idk. lillies are pretty?
yeah not such a flower girl

2. Do you like the spring?
yes
i love it

3. Finish the phrase: April showers bring may flowers, but what do May Flowers bring?
may flowers bring june bees! YIKES
may flowers are trampled come jjune when migrash dancing starts

4. What would you think of as a spring color?
pink. how cliche. =)
thats a dumb queston


JUNE
1. What year did you graduate from school?
2005
2009 from college

2. Did you go on any vacations last June?
nope
i went to the holy land!


JULY
1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
lovely ladies<3 aka spelt jesus all night long and then ran out of ketchup at lettypoos grandmas house.
i think i was home with fam. we had a BBQ on the 5th. maybe we went to see fireworks?

2. Would you consider yourself patriotic?
average
USA! USA! loving the olymopcs

3. Do you go on any vacations during this month?
hmm nope
July? nah



AUGUST
1. Do you do anything special to end off your summer?
lol try and practice waking up early.
say goodbye for camp and get ready for school

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '05?
there are so many good NYACK memories. rasperry picking and campers and room 2 and playing at broccalis house.
oh shorashim! summer of berg was fun. loved shopping when dalferdoos came up

3. Do you go swimming a lot in the summer?
ehh not much. sometimes i went in the pool, but was more of a jungle gym for my campers
agreed with above

4. Do you go to the beach a lot?
nope
not so much


SEPTEMBER
1. Did you attend school/college in '05?
Univeristy of Mayland. ♥
aww i loved umd,

2. Who is/was your favorite teacher?
i liked Dr. F alot.
moon is wonderful


3. Do you like fall better than summer?
yeah. its crisp.
mmm crisp



OCTOBER
1. What was your favorite Halloween costume ever?
when shmerling was a facebook profile
zenon was fun last year.

2. Do you still go trick or treating?
not this year, but i miss trick or treating! maybe next year
im too old. wah wah


3. What's your favorite candy?
mmm i love reeses
stiiil loving the reses

4. What did you dress up like this year?
sup, slutty football player?
hahaha i dont think i celebrated halloween this year


NOVEMBER
1. Who's house do you usually go to for thanksgiving?
mine or my uncles
now its often kenny and jamis

2. Do you like stuffing?
sometimes ill try it, but there are too many mystery items in it and that freaks me out. hehe
true story: stuffing is really kinda like mushy bread. i am no longer afraid, and often like it, depending on spices

3. What are you thankful for?
so much. mostly, my opportunities, my family, and my friends
same as above...


DECEMBER
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
no
nah

2. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
nope
nope. but i did go out on xmas eve

3. What do you want this year for Christmas?
i dont celebrate christms you silly
hrm

4. What's the best present you ever got for Christmas?
someone one gave me m&ms for christmas. they were good
silly

5. Do you like cold weather?
sometimes
yeah

6. Do you or anyone you know have a birthday in this month?
mommy does! and other fun people too, im sure
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Time:10:27 pm
amazing how you can have relevalations in your head; decide to look at the world in a whole new way, and feel really differently than you had before said revelations....yet to any observer there is no noticable change. 
It also makes you realize how much of what goes on in your head stays in your head. people only know what you put out there.  there is so much about us all that remains hidden.
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Time:01:06 pm
maybe its that winter is on its way, maybe its that its been too long, who knows, but all i want in life is to just snuggle. all the time.
I don't even need awkward sexual tension cuddling. or i have a big crush on you cuddling. platonic cuddling would be just fine.  and i don't know where they went, but i find i am left with no one to cuddle with. 
and it is driving me nuts.
it reminds me of the days when kanoff used to IM me and attempt to convince my life was completely void of meaning without him to wrap his arms around me. except now i dont need anyone to convince me because i've done a pretty good job of convincing myself that i will explode if i don't recive some good ol' physical affection.

I literally plunked down on a couch yesterday next to mike rosen and just leaned in on him and sat there with my head on his shoulder. which worked out well because he was freezing from the game and did not mind my extra body heat.  but i do not think rosen is the solution to this snuggle situation.

Where have all the marty bock, matt kanoff, josh mandell, mitch levienes, jared alberts of my life gone? where are the days when we lived in dorms and when you visited someone in there room, there was literally no place to hang out but on the bed?  if you know how i can get those back. please, let me know so i can get this out of my system. thanks. 

and please don't suggest the boy down the hall. believe me, its taken plenty of will-power to convince myself that is probably not the right tree to bark up either. of course, should he bark first, theres no garruntee i'll continue to display such good judgment. 

just a rant. i'll now continue to live vicariously through the books i'm reading to avoid life / work. :)
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Time:11:55 pm
 i should not be allowed to sit and listen to "cat's cradle." ever.
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Time:03:17 am
Current Mood:confusedconfused
What the eff?

Emotional duress makes people do strange things....i'm so utterly thrown by tonight's weird undertone.

on a positive note, i havent had a awkward hand cuddle in like forever.  (you know the kind - with absurdly obvious minute finger readjustments while staring straight forward at the TV until some form of awkward hand holding / stroking ensues, the whole time thinking to yourself "this is sooooo middle school")

but that is neither here nor there...i'd say as the most rational person in the room getting up and leaving when i did was a good, good call
...(but whhhhat on earth would have happened if i had stayed - that is the question...would i really have had the chutzpah to stop things and say "Is this really a good idea right now?" or would i just have decided i was a weird reboundish part of the healing process?
all in all...i think its better for everyone i didnt stay to find out. 

i can't belive there is no one online right now to overanalyize this situation with. 
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Time:02:23 am
really...why do i feel the need to fall irrationaly ini love with complete strangers. its how i work and i dont get it. i think ive got a thousand hidden defense mechanisms i dont even know about.

...its really silly and useless and also i get SUCH LOOSE LIPS when im drunk and slip to people i dont mean to
but i actually wanted him to show up at the bar allll nighhhhht. and cant belive he really did.
but he is so not interested

i cant belive that its a turn on that he SHOWED UP AT  KOACH SERVICES ALL ALONE
since when do independent thinking jewish men make me swoon???
seriously? im so fucking jewish.
anyways it drives me crazy.

anyways now im making robin listen to my stories about my cranizness k  think has been fun bye
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Time:02:08 am
 "remember that time sloppy poked me?..."
"THAT WAS A YEAR AGO"
"...hmm...i guess I like living in the past..."

yeah. revalations. total revalations. not like i still care much about that sitch. (really, im done) but i guess do live in the past. this business of looking back and recalling what things were like a year or a year and a half  or like 3 years ago is just getting unnecessry.  yes, i love my remember whens, but enough is enough.
heres to closure and the satisfaction that he wont even remember any of the nights conversations. 

p.s...melissa - i got you a present. its a one way ticket to pound town. please. use it wisely.
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Subject:MCS
Time:08:58 pm

rocking out to motion city soundtrack and a million different quotes are jumping out!
compling them all here instead of chaning my away message every .3 seconds (ooor maybe ill just do both)

"Do you feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me?
A kind of macabre and somber Wondertwin type of harmony
What if it was you?
You that I needed all along
I felt like a fool,
Kicking and screaming and pretending we were wrong"

"And after it ends
We'll try to be friends
They say that what doesn't kill us makes us who we are"

"All this time and everything's changed but I still feel the same
All good things eventually end and get washed down the drain
What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared
A little too much for friends but not enough to share"

"So don't ask me out
Don't make me try
'Cause I'm just gonna let you
I'm just gonna let you down"

"Hello there, how you doin'?
I've got all these thoughts just floating through my brain
They bump and they collide and cause a flurry of confusion
And it's getting on my nerves
I try to hold myself together
fighting off this mental weather when I can (sometimes I do)
But this shitstorm's never ending
And the atmospheric pressure's calling for rain"

"These are the things I think about when I'm alone without you
I wonder of your whereabouts and hope like hell you're happy where you are."

"I know I say that I'm just fine,
But I hope you wonder from time to time."

"Suffer all teens on dramamine,
The coast is not yet clear,
Every continent has chaos,
And we need you here, we need you here."

"With all my dreams hooked to hospital machines
I think, "let's try redefining beautiful.""

"But I get carried away with every day
And every fantasy
the deeper the wound,
the harder I swoon and wish that that was me"

"So much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I’m getting used to it, you have to get used to it"

"You never get used to it, you just have to live with it"

"Then I’ll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that’s yet to come
Fingers crossed there will be love"

"I'm not smiling
behind this fake veneer.
I am often interrupted
or completely ignored,
but most of all I'm bored."

"I'm trying to find out
if my words have any meaning.
Lackluster and full of contempt
when it always ends the same."

"Why did I come?
Oh, why did I come here?
These humans all suck.
I'd rather be home
feeling violent and lonely.
I'm not trying to sound so insincere,
but the postcard that's taped to the freezer reads:
"Wish you were here."
How I wish I could disappear."

"And we feel like rain,
when the words all sound the same
as the curtain closes on another day."

"Though we feel let down,
by the same old autumn breathing,
winter's curse is just around the bend."

"I rock the Haro sport
I rock the cow girl blues
I rock too fast for love I’m footloose in my Velcro shoes"

"I’d rather waste our time together
Yeah, ‘cause we can get down"

"Hooray for the madness, we are better by design"

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Time:09:00 pm
i wish i was home.
i should have been there today.
i feel so disconnected with my family and everything thats been going on and its this weird harsh blow and i hate being this disconnected with everyones lives.  
like i feel like down here, i just dont even think about my family and whats going on with them.  and i guess thats part of growing up, the growing away. but its like im in my own little world where i only care about whats going on around me.  and suddenly it hits me. and everyone else is getting this chance to mourn but i dont know what to do down here.  and i feel so shitty for not being there, and yes that is becasue idk i guess it might have been difficult to get up and such but i could have managed it idk. i dont think yesterday i realized how much it would bother me that i wasnt going. i wish i was home.
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Subject:quick rant..then work
Time:04:30 pm
Current Mood:nihilistic.

blech. in a weird, cynical mood.

dont you ever feel like everything you could ever say, or think, or do has been said or thought or done by someone else. theres nothing original left out there. and there that part of me that wants to just find music quotes and make them my away message, but now theres this other part that says fuck that, everyone listens to this music and thinks, wow. thats so me, thats totally where i am. everyone says it. so why should i?
i just feel so bored latley. my classes seem useless, and when im not doing anything, i sit around watching crappy movies on TV. and now that ive denounced hoism, i dont even have anyone to pretned to obsess over and go gaga about. lame!
anyways, could just be the crack (adderall) talking. as always.
and now its time to get back to business.

p.s. i like that ive identifiyed myself as currently feeling nihilistic. at least i can express my feeling of uselessness in a pretentious and erudite manner. i feel like i should go read grendel or something. or imitate marvin the paraniod andriod. good times.

edit: grendel was totally an extensentialsit. i even lose the at-least-i'm-smart game. darn

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